I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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