He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
