What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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