i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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