Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
