Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
