I cockslap morals
it hurts more in the daytime
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
