he wants to bone in the snuggie
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
