The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
