Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
