dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
