Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
