Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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