I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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