I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
