He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
