The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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