i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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