I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
