needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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