I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
