I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
