somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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