I'll bet she douches with gravy.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
