When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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