You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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