Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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