he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
