i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
