I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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