Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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