i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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