so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
