dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
