i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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