Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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