i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
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