my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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