Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
