i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
