dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
