strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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