Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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