You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
