I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
