how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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