Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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