Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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