My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
