I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
