My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Randomize
