if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
