Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
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you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize