I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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