How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
home. puking in laundry basket.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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