My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
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So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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