If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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