You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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