I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
